The tale of two Zebras

Zebra - a striped, 4 legged animal that lives in the wild...also...sports slang for a referee...

It's been a while since I've seen Marlee this upset.  This wasn't your normal, 11 year old, my brother is annoying me upset...this was much deeper.  I knew we were in for some tears and hugs.

She had just finished playing a really tough basketball game in which her team came up just two points short.  Her team has both won and lost this season but this loss hurt.  Their team had a number of rather questionable calls go against them and it made the game feel very much out of balance.  It created a tense situation for both teams along with the audience that was watching it all go down.  The zebras were showing their stripes tonight in full force.

After the game, you could see it in our players faces.  I think for some of them it was maybe the first time they felt that the world could be unfair...the calls sometimes don't go your way...the best effort can be undone by the perceived unbalance of others.  That's a hard lesson to learn and even more difficult to sit from a distance and watch it happen to your 11 year old daughter. 

I tend to try and give all refs the benefit of the doubt and as much grace as I can.  I umpired little league some years ago and I've had a taste of what it's like to be judge and jury.  To get it right and to get it wrong.  It can be a rather thankless job especially when you have someone come across the fence on you when you called their little Johnny out on a close call at home.  Even with my prior experience, it was hard to keep my own comments and emotions in check...and I'm not even the one out on the court... 

We all have some zebras in our lives.  I'm sure you can think of a few.  Some call the game as fairly as they can, others...not so much.  The unbalance of some can very much undo your best efforts.  In that though, we have to somehow learn to adapt, adjust, and persevere.  It is not easy to rise above the hurt, the pain, and the injustice we feel but in order to grow, it's not a suggestion, it's a requirement.

Tonight, Marlee's team had practice.  To my surprise, not a single girl was down and out about the game they had lost just the night before.  They were back, playing like it had never happened.  It was amazing to see and quite humbling.  It took some of my own feelings and put them right in front of my face.

Sometimes the world will drop some zebras in your life...when the calls don't seem go your way...regardless if you're 11 years old or 43...it's up to us to learn ways to adapt, adjust, and persevere.  

1, 2, 3...dream!!!

10 years, difficult decisions, hard choices

It was just after lunch. I came back to my desk and I saw the note sitting there.  It was a directive to report to the conference room.  There, in that cramped little room, rock turned into sand, light turned to darkness, and the world as I knew it came crashing down.  "You have 30 minutes to pack your things and exit the property".  Lay-offs know no friends and spare no feelings.

This is how 2008 ended for me.  With our marriage already in dire straits and two young babies lives in the balance, I honestly thought "This is it.  This is how it all falls apart".  I lost my job, we lost our house, we lost our vehicle, we we're losing our very existence. 

It was in this moment though, in the chaos, the wreckage, we had to make the most critical decision we have ever made.  Do we succumb to the ever crashing waves or do we grab each other's hand and fight with everything in us?  I wish I could say that we met each other in the middle but that wouldn't be true.  The strongest person I've ever known grabbed me by the hand and said, I'm not ready to give up.  It was in that moment that Cindy bravely stood in the gap for our family and for that I'm forever grateful.

Since that time we've had to make some difficult decisions and hard choices.  When other families were moving into bigger and nicer homes, we were downsizing to a single wide trailer.  When our friends we're buying new vehicles, I was working on junkers in our driveway.  When people around us went on big vacations, we would take our kids to the swingsets near our little trailer.

When opportunities eventually arose to go after employment, we left our family, our friends, our home,...everything we knew...and forged a new existence...one box and one mile at a time.  This is what we chose.  The road less traveled.  For us, failure was no longer an option.  If we went down, we went down together, hand in hand.

Fast forward to tonight.  We're all sleeping in the now second house that we just bought, I have a pretty nice driveway to work on our cars now, and we can take a few days off from time to time to head to the beach if we want to.  All of this because a decade ago, Cindy reached for my hand, not ready to give up.

Tomorrow Cindy starts a new journey.  She re-enters the workforce with the career she had before Sam and Marlee came along.  The one she selflessly gave up to be the best mom she could be for our little ones.  I know she's nervous, excited, and kinda scared.  This will be a big adjustment for our family, especially for her.  It's the realization that we are starting a new phase in our lives.  To start this next step is to aknowledge that our babies aren't babies anymore.  Sam is taller than Cindy now and Marlee isn't far away.  I know in part the feeling of having to leave your children when you have a career but that's through the eyes of someone who merely saw the birth of their children, not through the eyes of the one who gave birth to them.

I sat down this past week and attempted to explain this to Sam and Marlee as best as I could.  I think they understand in the only way an 11 and soon to be 13 year old can.  I've also talked to Cindy countless times about schedules, plans, back up plans, you name it.  All of this in attempt to calm nerves and ease minds.  I know Cindy is still staring into the unknown though.  I know she's still nervous, excited, and scared.

It will be an adjustment but she's strong... stronger than most people realize...stronger than anyone I know.  We've faced difficult times and had to make the hard choices.  She was strong then, she's strong now.

I can never repay her for standing in the gap for our family a decade ago but it's my heart's desire to spend the rest of this life trying to just the same.  Tonight, when I go to bed, I'll reach for Cindy's hand and let her know that I love her like crazy and to not give up. 

"You and me against the world...I don't mind."

Hostile Territory

I'm not quite sure but tonight might be a tipping point for our family and not in a good way.

Both of us have been running on fumes (cindy even more so) since Sam's surgery and the evening was winding down.  We finally laid down to get some rest and out of the blue, we're woken up by Sam trying to throw up and gasping for air. Frantically we run around the house seeking buckets and towels.  We finally got the situation under control but the price we had to pay was losing what little sanity we both had left.  I could see it in Cindy's eyes.  Her heart was breaking and there was little I could do to stop it.

On top of all of this, both of us are still dealing with our own health issues, work schedules, and everything else life wants to throw at us.  It's tonight though that we're both feeling disconnected and very, very alone.

I have to be honest, we miss our family and our long time friends dearly.  Virginia just feels cold and hostile anymore.

Finding Home

I've moved a lot in my lifetime.  More times than I care to admit.  A lot of it seems to be work related but I think there is something deeper that isn't so obvious.  It seems to me that for years I've been trying so hard...chasing this thing...a place I can just call home.

For as far back as I can remember, no place I have ever lived felt like home to me.  The residence I occupied only served as just a stop between where I moved from to where I was moving next. To shed a little light into my past, I have never lived anywhere longer than 3 years in my life.  I'm 38 right now so do the math and add 20 and you might be close to the number of times I've packed and unpacked paper towel boxes that I have fished out of the back of the local dollar general store.

For years I thought that once we were able to buy a house things would change.  You know, obtain the american dream, go into massive debt, and settle down.  Not so my friend. Not so at all.  I spent so much time chasing this idea that I never addressed the underlying issue of why no place has ever felt like home.

So here we are again, contemplating relocating to make things better for our family.  This time the move is based largely on one thing...being closer to the one place that for a few fleeting moments during the week actually feels like home.  The moments when I'm worshiping in the presence of God, in the midst of our church family.

Maybe I'm unique in this way or maybe this is somehow by divine design.  Maybe nothing in this earth is supposed to feel like home.  Maybe we put too much focus seeking our own kingdom when once we obtain what we think we want, it isn't what we needed at all.

In Matthew 8:20 Jesus said "foxes have dens and birds have nests but the son of man has no place to lay his head".  Jesus didn't say this casually.  This statement was a proclamation of the cost of following him.  No promises of the american dream and for that matter, no promises of even a place to sleep.

With all of this in mind, if it's my lot in life to never find that feeling of home in any other place other than God's presence then so be it.  If I ever found a home of my own on this earth that finally felt like home, no matter what I did, it could be swept away by the whims of this world.  If my focus remains on God's kingdom first though, no matter if I have a place to live or a bed to lay my head on, I will always know where my eternal home will be.

Go Fly a Kite Why Don't Ya?

After a trip to see the parents this weekend I'm settling in for the week to come.  I've went through my normal routine of checking email, FB, Craigslist and the NCESC for any job prospects.  Thankfully I'm finally getting some positive feedback from a few places and it looks like the unemployment line may be a lot shorter than I expected.

That being said, I worry...a lot.  More so this time than I ever had and can't say exactly why.  I think part of it has to do with the stark reality that I could very well be accepting a job that could relocate our family...again.  Nothing is for certain but the possibility is there none the less.  This bothers me because I don't want our kids to necessarily live the nomadic life that me and Cindy have lived for most of our married life. (In case you're keeping count, we've moved more times than I've had birthdays...no kidding).  I know kids are flexible and they bounce back but it still unnerves me none the less.  I know how it is to be forever the new kid in a new town and it ain't no picnic people.

Part of it is that I've been taking family life a lot more serious the past few years and trying to wear the dad hat the best that I can.  Western culture dictates that dads almost above all must provide for their families.  I know this is the part where some of you may say that I should lean more on the statement that "God provides for my family" and I don't immediately dismiss this.  I'm not going to lie though and say that part of me doesn't say "well yeah...but try telling that to your creditors...".  It's human nature for most of us and until I have a miracle in a spiritual or pharmaceutical way I doubt that's going away any time soon.

Still though...part of it I can't explain.  The emotions attached to this situation have been really intense for me and to try and find any kind of medium has been a real struggle.  Thankfully though, there have been some serious positives that have come out of this little adventure so far.

I've found an incredible outlet in martial arts.  I have met some amazing people in our classes the past couple of months and have built some very healthy relationships.  This has kept me focused, motivated and on the really tough days...sane.  If we have to move away, I'm really going to miss these people along with all of the relationships we've built here in this area.

There have also been moments, albeit fleeting ones, with my family that have had such strong meaning to me.  Watching some lame TV show with Cindy and laughing about it the whole time.  Seeing Sam take up for some random little girl at a park and being an awesome guy.  Marlee, having her little headphones on, screaming "Daddy" and when I reply she simply yells back "I LOVE YOU".  Finding yourself in your parents field beside their house, flying kites with your kids and for a few short breaths....the world just melts away.

It's hard for me to replace my own worry right now with the truths I've cerebrally absorbed about God taking care of all things for the good.  No matter the circumstance though, there is no denying his presence in those small, fleeting moments I have experienced as of late and for that I'm truly thankful.

Sometimes It's Just Going to Rain

I always thought I liked those rides at the fair that flung you around in a circle and then the bottom mysteriously dropped out.  Now...not so much.  I'm pretty well convinced that the person that invented that ride, did so the week after they got laid off from their job.

A few years ago life decided that I needed a big change.  Looking back now I think that life got it right.  I was in a dark place, making less than stellar personal choices and the walls were caving in on this slightly balding bass player.  That's when life decided that I didn't need a distraction like a stable job and I got caught in the second round of layoffs at the company I was working for at the time.

As it does to a lot of people that have the real pleasure to experience this, it wreaked havoc on our finances and put our little family unit in a serious tail spin.  We lost our house, we lost our credit and the worst...we just about lost our marriage.  A strange thing happened though, with all of this going on we actually had a rebirth of sorts with our marriage and fell in love with each other again and in a much deeper, unexplainable way.  Since that happened, our family unit was restored, our (especially my) faith had been renewed and we had some huge breakthroughs as a couple and as individuals.  So yeah...life jerking the rug out from under me then totally made sense.

Now enter The Lay Off part 2: Revenge.  We were going the right direction as a family and finally recovering from the financial tornado that had run through our tiny little credit trailer park.  Planning to buy a house was becoming something that might actually happen and we felt like maybe, just maybe we had found a place to set some roots.  Life has again though decided that a stable job is something that we, as a family, don't need at the moment.

This time around I don't get it.  Before, I was making all the wrong calls and life decided to make a serious market correction on my Wall Street.  Now I am making much better, faith based and influenced calls (or at least I think they are) and life decides to make another major adjustment.

Maybe this is just serving as a friendly reminder to not get my identity wrapped up in what I expect out of life and focus more on the inner identity of who I am, regardless of the surroundings or circumstances.

All that sounds great but some days it's a little hard to convince yourself of these truths even though you know how real and true they are.  I see now when the scripture said that it rains on the just and unjust, it's serving as a little bit of comfort and a little bit of a warning.

Whether we think we're just or unjust in the choices we make personally, sometimes it's just going to rain.

A Life Status Update and Such

So it's been forever and a day since I got to sit down and write something more than artistic babble to get a grade in some class so here we go.

Life has been rather complex as of late. School was going excellent until I found out that the government decided that continuing my unemployment benefits wasn't in my best interest. With that, my current academic career has been seriously downgraded to possibly part-time in the future. Fortunately I was able to land a pretty awesome job at a local company as a draftsman and graphic designer so all in all I'm not disappointed with my career direction. I'm actually really eager to get back into the workforce and especially with the company that hired me. Check them out at www.ferreetrailers.com

With this though, I'm sure a move will be in our future and with that we're trying to figure out how to keep Cindy in school full-time. Moving would mean that we would lose our childcare scholarship which definitely complicates things. In all honesty...I would love to see Cindy finish school if at all possible. I've seen the work she's done in the past and she done nothing but gotten better. At her semester critique she unveiled her portfolio and to say it was moving would be a gross understatement. Whether she can finish school or not though, it doesn't take away the fact that she's an incredible photographer on top of being a great mother, a loving wife and my closest friend.

As Christmas approaches, I've been faced with both of my parents being in the hospital. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer and is scheduled to be operated on this Wednesday (which ironically is my first day of employment). On top of her operation and recovery, my step-father is also not doing the greatest so I'll be traveling as much as I can to help my mom recover. I found out today that my father was in the hospital. After seeing him this evening, it looks like gall bladder surgery is in his future. At least I hope it's that simple. Cindy's parents have also been faced with some tough health issues as well. Cindy's mom has been battling with diabetes for some years and it's seriously starting to affect her vision and her overall health. Cindy's dad has a pretty serious blockage in one of his arteries and we're waiting to hear back as to the treatment.

We're still down a vehicle since playing deer hockey this year but hopefully the good ole tax return will remedy that in a month or so. Honestly, we've figured out ways to live on a very modest budget and at the end of the day it hasn't been that bad. Sure, we've given up some things but we've survived so rather than complain about what we haven't had, I'm thankful for what we have had.

Today, as I was driving down interstate 40 to go see my dad in the hospital, I contemplated all of these things and a lot more. I thought about what if any of it had any real meaning or significance. I wondered if what we were facing was some cosmically ordered chain of events put in my way to prove some point or if all of it was just random points that happen to just coincidentally intersect. In the midst of all of this static and chaos running rampant in my head, I looked up and witnessed what was to be an incredible sunset on such a cold, winter day. Just then, a song came on the radio that was entitled "The World is Our ______" and for a split second things just made sense.

With a hopeful but uncertain and challenging future ahead for me and my family...all I can say is yes, the world is simply our _______ and it's our responsibility, no matter what the circumstance, to fill in the blank.

Until next time...

4.0 for the Unknown and the Bully Beatdown

So my first semester of college is over and amazingly this less than stellar student from the class of '94 actually pulled off a 4.0 average for the first time ever. I never was the model of student studies but I guess time tends to wear some of the rebellious edges off and gives us at least the ability to focus on the moment at hand. That being said though, I'm now facing a summer of real uncertainty. Even though currently, the government finances are there to further my studies, we've been forced as a family to cut back to the bare necessities in order to keep the lights on with what we've got coming in monthly.

Of course with most of the adventures in my life, there's always an ironic twist. I had an interview with a company this past week. The first interview...for that matter...the first call back I've gotten since the pink slip got dropped on me back in December. What's crazy is it's not some two bit company looking for a minimum wage slave to do their bidding...no...it's a good company...a great company actually. One that is growing and expanding. One I sincerely want to be a part of. The interview went great. Probably one of the best I've ever had and I left having some real confidence that I had a good shot at getting the job. So now I just sit here and wait. Wait for "the" call. It could be tomorrow...a few weeks from now...maybe never.

I know that if that company calls I'm taking the job...hands down...without hesitation. As much as I really enjoyed college and would miss not continuing going full time...watching my family continue to struggle is just not an option for me anymore. I felt like I was pretty successful in my post high school academic studies but now the prospects of landing a great job has put my educational future in limbo.

One weird but very cool side effect from my current and short lived collegiate success showed up a few days ago. A friend of mine recently graduated college and as usual we showed up to lend our support. Only this time, after years of arriving to these events and being filled with regret, bitterness and disappointment that I joined the workforce early in life instead of taking the higher learning path, those feelings didn't rear their ugly heads. Somehow, the little working guy in my head that always looked down on himself for not doing the college thing lifted his head up high for the first time in his life and cracked a defiant smile.

...Yeah...it was only one semester and yeah...I may never return to school full time or even part time but at least there's one thing I do know. That little working guy in my head that got picked on all his life by the bully that was college finally got his revenge and kicked college's ass...

...even if it was for just one semester. 

Finding My Way Back

So...yeah...it's been a while since I wrote anything that didn't have to be graded. Honestly, it amazes me how college has slowed my personal writing at the moment. It's not really from a lack of time or subject matter or even a lack of motivation...it's something different. It seems that when given an avenue to feed the writing beast in my head, my mind becomes satisfied with the work it's creating and becomes relatively content for the moment. With that being said, my first semester of college is winding down and the need to get back to some personal writing has started to resurface.

It's time to give a rundown of the past few months for a little perspective and to find a good place to start writing again.

1.) I'm officially an unemployment statistic now. While I have been going to school full time I've also been beating the bushes in hopes of finding any job prospects. Reviewing my efforts so far has indicated that the industry I've been a part of for 10 freakin' years is officially in the tanks. Woohoo for me. Now I just have to decide whether to re-train as some sort of medical drone or a case worker for DSS. Being that I'm a total fairy when it comes to blood and bodily fluids and past experience with a really whacked out family life, I feel more than qualified to assist at-risk families.

2. We've moved....again. Yes...anyone that knows me knows I've moved more times than I've had birthdays and no, that's no exaggeration. When the hatchet dropped at work for me and 12 of my fellow employees, the ole belt had to get tightened a lot. We managed to pay some things off, turn some things off and I even considered male prostitution (hey....don't knock it till you try it) but no amounts of cuts could keep us from having to lower the monthly housing expense. We did find a cool little place to live even though I can stretch out my arm and touch my landlord's house. Overall it's a good, clean, safe place for the family unit so no real complaints...yet.

3. A welcome side effect of moving into a tiny place was we had to purge ourselves of some stuff...a lot of stuff...seriously. We actually got rid of over 6 truck loads full of stuff. If you go by a certain Salvation Army, the store is almost exclusively stocked with all of our stuff. Not to mention the piles of crap that we banished to the landfill. All this time I thought we did pretty good on the whole pack rat thing but I'm proud of what we accomplished none the less. Life has become very simple living for us and I'm really enjoying that. Stuff can dominate your life and to be honest, out of all the stuff we disposed of, I can't seem to think of one thing that I truly miss. Maybe it's because stuff is just that and once it's gone you don't really miss it...or maybe old age could be catching up with me and my deteriorating mind just dumped all those memories. Either way, win-win.

Guess I'll put a halter on the writing horse for now and call this one done. I've got a lot more to write about so coming back here is going to become regular for me again. Until next time... 

The Beater

The in-laws are back in town so I'm back to driving our beater. We actually have two vehicles that could be considered as such but our van far surpasses the tank (our Jeep) so it officially holds the title of "the beater".

I think most of us have had to deal with a beater sometime in life. The vehicle you love to hate. The vehicle that makes you want to wedge an ice scraper on the gas pedal, find the nearest cliff and send that god forsaken thing flying to its explosive demise....yeah...sorry...got lost in a thought for a moment.

This morning the beater was of course looking to seek revenge for letting it sit for the past couple of weeks so it decides to dish out a flat tire on me. Not just low...flat. I try desperately to limp this thing to a gas station but to no avail. The rim was hungry and ate the tire for breakfast. I pull the van over to the side of the road...defeated...and consigned myself to changing the tire. The sad thing, the spare is by far the best looking tire on the van. You gotta love that.

This cursed pile of soon to be scrap metal has left me and my family stranded so many times that the visions of burning it to the ground have become the only comforting thoughts I have of that rolling bag of...well..you know.

Eventually I get back on the road and all the time I'm going over what is wrong with this Town & crappy van. No AC, the heat only works on the driver’s side, it misses horribly (like it's having seizures), it will just decide to die sometimes without warning, the wipers have a mind of their own, the headlights might as well not even be there, the cruise control doesn't work, it leaks everything...on and on. At least the CD player still works...most of the time, so I got to chill myself down with some Portishead...ah... sweet Portishead.

I finally get to work...late...Damn it.

The beater strikes again...

Just you wait you evil, daughter of Christine...when the taxes come back in a few months...your days will be numbered and I'll be leading the villagers to hunt you down with torches and ice scrapers. 

Stranded

So every week for us is kind of a stretch. Some weeks are better than others but most of the time it really comes down to the wire for us. Trying to do the traditional family thing has its challenges and finances seem to top the list.

Most everyone knows that we're a single income family. Cindy is a stay at home mom and we wanted it that way frankly. We knew when we found out that Cindy was pregnant with Sam; the traditional family structure was the route we wanted to take. We started trimming the fat then (bill wise) and haven't stopped since. So far we've been able to keep the traditional family structure in tact but with the way things are going right now, we honestly don't know for how much longer.

Thursday night CR had come and gone and I was on my way home. I stopped to get gas in my father in laws truck with the $7 we had in the bank....only that $7 wasn't there. Apparently there was something in the books I missed and we were actually in the hole $12. To quote Louis CK "we have to make $12 just to be broke." Cindy and the kids were at home because Marlee was sick...again...and here I was in Statesville, alone and stranded.

Payday is on Friday but that would mean that I would have to sack out in the truck till in the morning when my paycheck would be direct deposited. After several phone calls and some rather animated dialog on my part (Samuel L. Jackson would've been proud) I decided to dig up what change I had, get what gas I could with it and see how close to home I could get before the truck died and I had to hike it the rest of the way.

I was able to scrape up $2.10. I decided to get $2.00 because $2.10 actually sounded sadder to me than $2.00. I started rationalizing that the cashier might think I have a lawn mower to fill up instead of putting this in my truck to get home on (yes, I know it's November but your mind will do anything to find peace with itself sometimes). I paid for the gas and started doing the math in my head of just how far less than a gallon of gas would get me.

I drove around 60 mph hoping I could limp myself home. Somehow that little bit actually got me home...shew.

Each week poses so many challenges and it makes me question if what I'm trying to do is a realistic option for me or even America right now. Maybe it's a new time. Maybe what used to be the norm is now is just a fantasy. Maybe what we're seeing now is the eventual demise of the traditional family.
At this point...who knows... 

Introspection 101

I've been meaning to start converting my thoughts into words for some time now. For whatever reason I've been putting it off. Maybe I'm too busy at times. Maybe I'm just being lazy. Maybe I'm really afraid to see my thoughts in print. Who knows but here we go.

I've been keeping myself musically busy at our church ever since the demise of my role in Black Rose Mourning. You may or may not know this, either way you do now. A lot went into my decision to bow out. To try to explain it would be like trying to describe how water feels to the touch. Some things you just have to experience to understand.

I found myself playing for our churches outreach program called Celebrate/recovery (CR for short) this past Friday. I play drums at the Statesville campus weekly on Thursdays for CR but the need arose at our Mt. View campus for a bass player so I decided to step up and lend them a hand.

It had been a long week at work and home. Work had really been bearing down on me and Friday I found myself actually out in the field getting dirty with the rest of the guys. At home, Marlee was still sick and Sam had just thrown up his dinner so Cindy stayed home while I went and "served".

I was still pretty dirty when I showed up on the Mtn. View campus. I was hungry (we never stopped for lunch & to be honest my pocket was pretty empty anyways) and dirty so I slipped into the bathroom for a quick clean up before rehearsal and dinner (CR supplies dinner for the people that come no matter who you are).

All the guys in the CR band we're all really cool. Some I knew, some I didn't but all we're happy to see me and generally happy to be there. We went over the songs and afterwards I went to the kitchen for some grub. I got my tray and was happy to see anything on there. I sat down and felt like I was a ton of bricks that someone dropped off at some jobsite.

I sat there...alone. Partly by choice. I wasn't really in the mood for small talk but if someone would've sat down strangely enough I would've enjoyed the company. I started to observe who was there. Some people were normal on the surface but if you're at CR you've got or had issues, whether you can see them or not. Some people were clearly right off of the streets. "Thank God they're here. At least they're getting a meal in a safe place tonight..." I thought to myself.

A guy came in and was led to a table. His jeans were dirty and he was being reassured that no one really cared what he looked like. We were just happy to have him there. (too bad this guy didn't see me not 15 minutes earlier in the bathroom with paper towels trying to beat the dirt off my jeans and shoes because I was going to be playing in front of him in about 30 minutes). He seemed very thankful to sit down and have a decent meal. My heart really went out to him but the words escaped me so I just went back to staring down my mac and cheese.

I started to become very introspective. I had a 1/8 of a tank of gas in the truck I was driving (my father in laws truck no less) a dollar in my wallet and I had just sat down for the first meal of my day at 6:30 in the evening. I had just called the company that owns our house to tell them that our payment was going to be a week late. Both kids were sick at home and I was here "serving". I thought to myself "I'm just one paycheck away from being "served" myself and here I am giving myself away when I'm running on fumes.


I never serve with the attitude that if I give God this, I'll get this in return. I don't think I have a God I have to barter with. I didn't have to "do" or "give" anything to get salvation. It was a gift given to me whether I accept it is totally on me. This same feeling I have about what I give. With that being said though...

Lord...I'm on E right now and I don't know how much farther I can go. I'm not looking for money bags to start falling from heaven but I really would appreciate you throwing me and my family a bone right now.