A palette of Gray

I've come to realize that who I am can't be defined by simple black and white terminology. For so many years I tried to fit who I was into a short list of categories that were predetermined by the society I lived around, the religion I was emerged in and the family and friends that surrounded me. Time after time I've tried to put together who I am by picking choice "A" over choice "B" only to find myself not being able to choose either and becoming overwhelmed, frustrated, depressed and extremely isolated.

The society that I've lived in has consistently tried to give simple answers to complex questions. The problem with this is it has left too many voids unfilled. It's a society that encourages people to fear and reject what they don't understand. If it can't be readily and simply defined it must be wrong…no exceptions.

The religion I was emerged in was so bogged down by man made doctrine it was difficult at best to decipher what was truly heavenly or just misguided, corrupt rhetoric. I spent most of my time feeling guilty for constantly falling short of the standards that were set in front of me to follow. Religion drew some of the hardest lines when it came to self definition. Religion as I knew it had a predetermined form that everyone eventually had to fit into. If you didn't, you were considered a sinner lacking redemption or a sheep hopelessly out of the will of God. I always understood that if I knowingly and willfully did something wrong there would be consequences but what I could never understand is how I could be accountable for something that has always been a part of my life.

The family and friends that surrounded me as I grew up reinforced the predetermined stereotypes that society and religion had presented to me time and time again. Anything outside the realm of their own understanding was deemed weird, wrong or inherently evil. How does a kid process the fact that the image of his own self doesn't fit any of the preset categories he has to choose from? What if a kid is given a choice of "A" or "B" and he'd rather choose "C" none of the above or better yet "D" part of "A" and "B".

The only absolutes I've seen in this life are the miracles of a life birthed, the eminent end that eventually follows and the belief in a higher power that lies beyond the bonds of this mortally defined existence. Past that, there are no real absolutes in this rather imperfect world. There is no such thing as a simple, black and white answer…if there even exists an answer in the first place.

At the very best of my ability, I can only define my life in shades that fall in an endless palette of gray. A palette that, even at the best of my efforts, could not be contained or shaped to fit what society, religion, family or friends had deliberately or unintentionally set in front of me. Where do I go from here, who knows? One thing is for sure though; this square peg of a person is tired of trying to fit into this round hole of a life.

As Henry Thoreau so graciously wrote "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."